Chapter 17 – I Hate You

 

Okay, you got the idea from the previous chapter, “Tahiti”, that it was very difficult, putting it mildly, when my therapist, Anne left on vacation. Before she left for that 3rd time since I’d been seeing her, I had to pour out my emotions in a poem which I read to her before I was left behind without access to her.

I Hate You

I hate you, I do, I do, I do.

How will I ever be able to manage?

I hope, I pray I forget you

To avoid that threat of real damage.

 

28 days I must learn to cope.

Time will drag on and on.

I wonder if I can hang on to any hope.

Tell me, how can you leave for so long?

 

It’s such a mystery to me

Why these feelings are so intense.

I wonder and wonder how I will be

Because none of this makes any sense.

 

I met you only last December

Why is there such an attachment?

I really really can’t remember

How to put between us a fresh detachment.

 

Could my life from long ago

Where I learned to be aloof

Brought me to this place of woe

Though I have no proof?

 

Did years and years of defenses

Mold the person of whom I became?

And just now coming to my senses

Bringing a hurt that feels the same?

 

But how can it be known

That these feelings come from the past?

Will it ever be clearly shown

That THEN my life’s role had been cast?

 

And now, how can I understand this pain?

How can I heal this space inside?

What can I do to make some gain

So I no longer feel I need to hide?

 

You’ve brought me now so far

To a place of somewhat peace

Like the distant beautiful star

Where all troubles seem to cease.

 

But now that you’re leaving on vacation

Those old, old fears have come to life

Though much different I still get the sensation

Of a much familiar internal strife.

 

I’ve tried so hard to keep those fears contained.

It’s been my lifelong pattern I realize

With you they can no longer be restrained

A new way of being I am forced to actualize

 

Though I hate you, hate you, hate you

We both know that’s not true

It’s just that these feelings are all so new

And letting feelings be felt makes me feel so blue.

 

Feelings are ok, you tell me so often

They should not be hiding away in shame

By bringing them forth they begin to soften

And then we can meet them and call them by name.

 

So, now I will introduce my companion named ‘fear’

I will let her be seen and be known

It is only by bringing emotions up close and near

That maybe I’ll stop feeling and being so alone.

.

Trying my whole life to be what I’m not

Keeping emotions tightly and closely contained.

But now that I’m learning what you have taught

I’ll try to no longer be so so restrained.

 

What can I learn from your long absence?

Will I be able to succeed in this quest

To dig deep and extract my core essence

And not run away from this important test?

 

I will try; I will work; I will focus; I will vow

To bring the mind to rest in each magical moment

To be conscious and attentive to the here and now

And show you that I was and will be triumph

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